A short creative evaluation of the first year of regency.
By the time I took off my Ateneo toga and shipped my things out of the seminary, I had this one dream in this long break that I am going to take before heeding the call to priesthood. “Change the world,” I said to myself. With all the idealism and the youthful energy that I had, I had just had this one goal, and part of it would be to make an impact on wherever I go, to become someone who can give something I can to the world.
Perhaps, I thought, it could all start by trying something I did not envision myself to be. I applied as a High School Christian Life Education teacher in Xavier School, and tried to discover another side of my own self. Also, figuring out that I will try this for a year, I have this feeling that I will be able to see another side of the world.
And seeing a lot I did. This first year of regency became a period for me to adjust, getting out of the closed world of the seminary and finding myself outside this world that is full of surprises to those who search for it. I experienced a lot of things, both simple and complicated, that I was not able to experience before. Besides the “usual” job as a teacher – preparing for lessons, checking requirements, I have to juggle with other things, such as house bills, family matters, and other personal stuff that needs to be attended to. More than that, I was also confronted with various issues regarding my relationships with other people. I experienced relationships where feelings come into play, and the idea of commitments and choosing become real questions that need to be confronted (not that I am in a relationship right now, just to be clear).
In this one year, I felt that the whole of my being was stretched apart. I was led towards experiencing new things and seeing the world from a different point-of-view, in a different situation. I was able to have a wider perspective on things, and I realized that there are greater demands that have to be fulfilled and responded to.
But then, all was certainly not like heaven in my life outside during my first year. There are a lot of problems to be overcome due to adjustments, as well as questions and self-doubts that need to be confronted and answered. At many points in this first year, I tried to deal with who I am, my attitudes, my perspectives in life, as well as the things I love to do. One of the things I largely dealt with and struggled with is my work. As a teacher, I was able to discover my tendencies, interests, and attitudes towards my work as well as with other people. My job somehow challenged me into becoming someone greater than who I am.
And in the end of it all, I have realized that, despite this short stint as a high school teacher, I have learned a lot. I have seen things about me that were different, some of them praiseworthy, while some need to be focused and improved upon. I have gained new insights and lessons about life, most particularly about the difficulty of living it as well as the wisdom in its ordinariness.
But the most important lesson that I have learned in this first year is the reawakening of the sense of wonder and fascination over life. Living in a different setting, in a different situation, fully opened my eyes to new things and possibilities that I haven’t thought about in eight years. It opened me to options, to avenues for exercising freedom and responsibility, for choosing what should be done and could be done. In the end, it opened me to the exercise of freedom, a freedom to trudge my own path according to how it should be, and a freedom to forge who I am and redefine myself.
I felt bad that I would have to leave the first place that taught me this, and I am more compelled to go what I believe is a greater good for me. I might not have stayed longer like the others, but I believe that one year has been valuable and worth it, and not a moment is wasted.
Unfortunately, I would have to continue my journey and search for greater things. I have to leave things aside (all the while remembering the people that have been significant) and go towards a new destination, a new stop. This first year of my regency nudged me and told me that there are still a lot of things to discover in this world, a lot of things and people to love and cherish, as well as work for in a span of days, weeks, and even months.
And ultimately, this first year has been a redefinition, a moment to once again shape the self and ask the most important questions in life. And because of this one year of asking myself, I know I have grown, and I’m sure that when I make the decision to return to the seminary a few years from now, the Earl that left the seminary for regency will not be the Earl that will return. The latter, I believe, will be someone better, wiser, and more prepared to heed the call.
