On Relationship Advice

During the past three days, I have been talking to some close friends about their relationship problems. And as usual, I always share my own take on the issues that they face, as well as help them in processing what they experience. In the end, I let them know what they really feel towards a person, what to do, or what to consider before doing anything.

Giving relationship advice or just listening to the stories of others isn't something new to me. I have been doing that since high school, and I for the past eight or so years, I have listened to a lot of stories. Some were happy, some were sad. Some were simply magical, while some were tragic. Some grow, some die out. And finally, some decide to continue, while others would say that things have to be over in order to grow.

And looking back, the whole experience struck me. I'm surprised to find out that I have talked to a lot of people. I have listened to a lot of stories about love, and I have given my side to them. I'm not sure if the things were really right or really helpful, but I believe that most of them makes sense and would really help a person with his or her struggle in relationships.

But believe it or not, I am just one of those who read and think about love. Sure, I've read all those Joshua Harris books that had all the Christian love stuff discussed (though there are things there I do not subscribe to), I have read and interpreted M. Scott Peck's "Love Defined" over and over again. I have read and written about philosophers and their philosophies that talked about love. I have watched, over and over again, (500) Days of Summer and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But only a little of them proved to be really helpful in real life.

I couldn't even tell a story about myself, because the chapters in my life that I had a few love stories of my own were lame and awkward. Looking back at all of those, I don't even think that there's anything, in its strict definition, real happened. Nothing of those ever became real relationships, with any full commitment involved. All of them were superficial, but involved a play of emotions and decisions.

Perhaps the only thing that I have to hold on in coming up with these pieces of advice would be the stories I hear from other people. It's their own struggles to let people in their lives that made me think about love. It's their happy and sad points in life that helped me see what it feels like to love and be in love. But then, these can only provide very little to help me.

And then I realized that there was something I'm forgetting. I forgot that love is analogous, that whatever kind of love you experience, there is always something that's partly similar in all of these, and yet there are things that set each experience of love apart. Perhaps, I tell myself, what makes me think about love, speak about love, and help others about love, is that I myself have experienced love, albeit in a different manner. My idea of love might not be in committed relationships, but it's in my family, in my friends, in my friends' loves, in my vocation, and of course, my personal love stories.

Those ideas of love where in the consolations, the desolations, the joys, the sorrows, the pleasantries, the pains, the happiness, the sadness, and in the glory of love working in my everyday life, whether it is something I experience, my friends experience, or in the simple movies, quotes, posters, books, and essays that just strike me. It is in all things superficial and profound. It is everywhere, and what I just did is to listen to it, give meaning to it, and pass my own thoughts to others.

In the end, those things that I have given to others were those that have been already given to me. It is not something out of my own in itself. Rather, it is all of those insights on love brought together and re-delivered to fit the needs of those who would want to listen. It is not a one-way process either, for in talking about love, I also receive insights. I also become invited to think about the things I have said and what the others I have said. In the end, it becomes the exchange of discourses on love that brings out insight and wisdom.

So even though I know I'm not the best in doing all of those, I would continue. Despite not being an expert, I know I could say something, and I will continue to speak, because it is only then that I let others know what I have learned and talked about, and it is only then that I really learn about love.


And in the end, I just hope that I will be presiding over the marriage of those whom I have talked to. And I'll really be happy for them like I also love and am loved .

For A Friend

You can deal with this in two things, and let me explain in my own terms and in my own experience.

The first one, take the long, slow, but steady road. You can play the game of sensing, and then when the right time comes, say it out. I'd say it is effective because it gave me time to know someone and assess what I really feel. But the problem is, it takes time. And patience. And lots of effort… and "competition" among other things.

The second one, would be the gamble. It's just going instant, not expecting anything but letting it all out, saying it right there and then. And there are two endings to this one, and it can either be comic or tragic. But hey, at least you let it all out, there's nothing bothering you.


There are two options. Which one will you take?

Redefinition

A short creative evaluation of the first year of regency.

By the time I took off my Ateneo toga and shipped my things out of the seminary, I had this one dream in this long break that I am going to take before heeding the call to priesthood. “Change the world,” I said to myself. With all the idealism and the youthful energy that I had, I had just had this one goal, and part of it would be to make an impact on wherever I go, to become someone who can give something I can to the world.

Perhaps, I thought, it could all start by trying something I did not envision myself to be. I applied as a High School Christian Life Education teacher in Xavier School, and tried to discover another side of my own self. Also, figuring out that I will try this for a year, I have this feeling that I will be able to see another side of the world.

And seeing a lot I did. This first year of regency became a period for me to adjust, getting out of the closed world of the seminary and finding myself outside this world that is full of surprises to those who search for it. I experienced a lot of things, both simple and complicated, that I was not able to experience before. Besides the “usual” job as a teacher – preparing for lessons, checking requirements, I have to juggle with other things, such as house bills, family matters, and other personal stuff that needs to be attended to. More than that, I was also confronted with various issues regarding my relationships with other people. I experienced relationships where feelings come into play, and the idea of commitments and choosing become real questions that need to be confronted (not that I am in a relationship right now, just to be clear).

In this one year, I felt that the whole of my being was stretched apart. I was led towards experiencing new things and seeing the world from a different point-of-view, in a different situation. I was able to have a wider perspective on things, and I realized that there are greater demands that have to be fulfilled and responded to.
But then, all was certainly not like heaven in my life outside during my first year. There are a lot of problems to be overcome due to adjustments, as well as questions and self-doubts that need to be confronted and answered. At many points in this first year, I tried to deal with who I am, my attitudes, my perspectives in life, as well as the things I love to do. One of the things I largely dealt with and struggled with is my work. As a teacher, I was able to discover my tendencies, interests, and attitudes towards my work as well as with other people. My job somehow challenged me into becoming someone greater than who I am.

And in the end of it all, I have realized that, despite this short stint as a high school teacher, I have learned a lot. I have seen things about me that were different, some of them praiseworthy, while some need to be focused and improved upon. I have gained new insights and lessons about life, most particularly about the difficulty of living it as well as the wisdom in its ordinariness.

But the most important lesson that I have learned in this first year is the reawakening of the sense of wonder and fascination over life. Living in a different setting, in a different situation, fully opened my eyes to new things and possibilities that I haven’t thought about in eight years. It opened me to options, to avenues for exercising freedom and responsibility, for choosing what should be done and could be done. In the end, it opened me to the exercise of freedom, a freedom to trudge my own path according to how it should be, and a freedom to forge who I am and redefine myself.

I felt bad that I would have to leave the first place that taught me this, and I am more compelled to go what I believe is a greater good for me. I might not have stayed longer like the others, but I believe that one year has been valuable and worth it, and not a moment is wasted.

Unfortunately, I would have to continue my journey and search for greater things. I have to leave things aside (all the while remembering the people that have been significant) and go towards a new destination, a new stop. This first year of my regency nudged me and told me that there are still a lot of things to discover in this world, a lot of things and people to love and cherish, as well as work for in a span of days, weeks, and even months.

And ultimately, this first year has been a redefinition, a moment to once again shape the self and ask the most important questions in life. And because of this one year of asking myself, I know I have grown, and I’m sure that when I make the decision to return to the seminary a few years from now, the Earl that left the seminary for regency will not be the Earl that will return. The latter, I believe, will be someone better, wiser, and more prepared to heed the call.

On Vulnerability

For most of nature, self-preservation is the name of the game.

It is true that all organisms in the natural world would seek to preserve life and well-being over everything else. In fact, this is the underlying principle of evolution, stipulated by Darwin's "survival of the fittest." Any creature will do anything - a reaction, a defense mechanism, or an act of escape, just to avoid any impending threat or harm, and be able to survive and live its life the way it should be.

This has been the principle by which everything lives, until man existed. It is out of his freedom and reason that, tracing the lines made by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, learns to go out his own instincts and chose to share himself rather than curl himself up, and ironically, he gains something from it, he grows in it, and becomes fulfilled in it. In giving up his desire for self-preservation, he gains life.

This irony in the human existence is well-manifested (in fact, is being shown how it is developed), in love. It is in love where one experiences the desire for self-preservation, but in the end, it leads to losing oneself, the willingness to become vulnerable in order to be united.

The invitation to love starts with an attraction, a strong drive to approach the other and form a relationship with that person. By its nature, attraction is primarily directed to the self. Most would say that attraction is based upon the primordial desire to propagate the species, but it's just one aspects. What is most salient in attraction is the fact that one desires for self-affirmation. I am attracted to that person because I feel that with whatever that I like about her makes me feel better. It makes me avoid the harm brought by loneliness and misery of being alone and having no one to be with. At this point, attraction indicates that a person needs someone in order to feel comfortable with himself and this world that he is placed in.

To secure this someone, the lover has to put his best foot forward to the beloved. He will be forced to bring out the best in him and appear as someone impressive and attractive for the beloved. This behavior moves in an outward direction, intended for the other, but still moves toward the self, as this is fueled by self-interest, which is, again, the desire to possess someone and get rid of the fear of isolation and loneliness.

Let's assume that this will work, and the lover is able to know and eventually become attracted to the beloved more than before. When it comes to the point that one has to make the work of true love happen, things take a drastic turn.

At this point, genuine care and concern plays its role, the direction would go as it should be - outward. When the lover begins to give his life to the beloved, then the principle of self-preservation is broken, because the lover will show and share all of himself to the beloved. Instead of establishing a form of defense mechanism that will prevent him from harm, he will completely reveal himself to her, from his strengths to his very weaknesses. The lover's being becomes vulnerable, susceptible to harm and pain that could be brought by the experience of sharing himself to the beloved.

In his experience of loving, the lover expresses, "This is all of me, in my totality. This is not just the best foot forward, but also the worst one behind as well. This is not just my strength, but also the weaknesses that I have. This is not just my confidence, but also my fears and apprehensions. This is not just the things that I am certain about you and me, but also the uncertainties that may face us." In loving, the lover presents himself totally, without any reservations. He reveals himself, and thus, he is susceptible to harm. In loving, he becomes vulnerable, open towards receiving every bit of pain and suffering that could be brought about in the process of sharing his life with the beloved.

And yet despite the pain, the lover remains. He does not fold and resort to any mode of protection that might hinder him from receiving the beloved, because he finds meaning in it. He finds hope in it. He hopes that after the pain has subsided and all the trials have been overcome, he remains. However, he is not alone in his remaining, for he is united with the beloved, and he finds his fulfillment in that unity. Although he is not assured that suffering and hurt will cease, he hopes that he faces this together with the beloved.

All through out his journey, he seeks to preserve himself, but in the end, the irony is there, where in his search for meaning, he loses himself and makes himself open for someone to be with him and share with him his life.

And at the end of this all, as he continues of the journey, he hopes.

Passed Over In Silence

Sometimes we let affection,
go unspoken,
Sometimes we let our love
go unexpressed,
Sometimes we can't find words to tell
our feelings,
Especially towards those
we love the best.

I love you.

These three words seem so small, and yet it carries everything. It is not just a mere expression that can be said haphazardly. Rather, it is something larger than what people think it is. In saying these words, the lover throws himself to the beloved, hoping that he be accepted inasmuch as he is willing to accept her. These words carry not only a moment, but a huge part of one's life, which ranges from several fragmented moments of existence, up to even a whole lifetime. These three words either make or break, prove or disprove, flourish or fade. These three words can turn the direction of life and change the whole course of existence, giving it greater meaning and significance.

The moment we speak these words is a moment of committing. It is a sign of self-giving that makes everything explicit, bringing everything that is within out of the self and offering it to the other to take.

But then, what if it wasn't said? What if everything is there, the feelings, the willingness and effort towards self-giving, the connection, the relationship that could grow, except that no one could get it out and say it out loud?

The many complications of relationships today show us the rift between words and actions. There are those that continue to flourish, yet days go by without the presence of those three words. There are even those who cannot completely say it, or just half-heartedly whisper it to themselves, because doing such would put everything on the line.

In these moments, could the actions be enough to justify the presence of love? Or do they have to be spoken in order to make its presence evident?

And perhaps, the biggest question: do we really need saying it? Or could it be just passed over in silent, wordless expressions and significations?

Words and Love

Just what exactly is the significance of words and spoken expressions in human existence and experience? Are they really necessary in expressing what we mean and what we feel?

Our life tells us that words are the only means towards direct communication, of explicitly, for lack of a better word, saying what we mean. They make obvious what is intended, and bring what is inside out in the open. It is meant to be said because it wants to be received, to be interpreted, and to be accepted. Words are the most direct and explicit form of human communication, such that one could not fully express what one would want to.

Words are such because they not only point to meaning, but more than that, they carry meaning themselves. Words have particular, significant meanings inevitable and necessarily attached to them, and these meanings come in various contexts, from various speakers, and spoken alongside various emotions and feelings. One could not even say that we can speak a word that is devoid of context, that is "pure meaning" in itself, for it carries the way the speaker understands that which the words point to and carry.

If that is the case, words carry more than plain meanings. It carries with it the context, the intention, and the signification of the speaker. When we speak of something, we do not just point. Rather, we carry with us the way we perceive and understand things, the way we feel about what we talk about. And to put it in the larger context of human communication, we can say that we carry something within us, and more than that, we carry ourselves when we put things in words.

Such is the importance of words that things have to be said in order to be understood and, in the process, understand as well. Thus, it goes to say that it is in words that love is fully and explicitly expressed.

And when we wholeheartedly say, "I love you," we carry more than the meaning of these words.

To say these three words is to show that all the moments spent and all the emotions poured over the other actually mean something, and because for the lover it has meaning, it is through words that he wants the other to know that everything is meaningful. In the moment of saying these words, past experience is relieved in the present, which projects all of these in the future, These words withstand time, for in every moment it is said, everything collapses and is brought together in that single moment of saying it.

Also, to say these words is to express hope. It is a way of showing that despite everything that happened and will happen, all of these mean something, and all of it is worth fighting for. These words show that the lover and the beloved would withstand all obstacles just to be with and to grow with each other.

As a whole, these three words bring everything together and make sense of everything, giving meaning to all the fragments of a relationship and bringing all of them together into that very single moment. It contains all the things that could be expressed about the relationship, all that could be said of the self, the other, and the connection that exists between. It brings together all the possible ways of showing love, wrapping it all up and presenting it to the other as gift, inasmuch as he presents himself as a gift to the beloved, the way the beloved presents herself as a gift to the lover.

These three words show that there is indeed more than all the possible expressions of love left unsaid. They signify the willingness to commit to be together, to share their whole selves to each other. To actually exist as one.

Saying What Is Unsaid

It doesn't mean that when it is unspoken, it is not love already. In such relationships, intimacy is still expressed and not taken aback, albeit silent. There is still a degree of mutual recognition, treating each other as significant and special. Whatever the lovers have done and gone through can still point to love.

But it is a love that lacks maturity and fullness. It is still in a stage where it still cannot be fully and freely expressed. This unspoken kind of love is still fragmented, floating in those separate moments, with nothing holding them together. It is a love that still depends on time and space, not being sealed and made significant at all times. And it cannot endure because there is still something within that is being held back. There is a part of the lover and/or the beloved that is not yet willing to be given to the other. There are still things that need to be fixed, issues to be discussed, struggles that have to be overcome. In short, love has to be worked out in order for it to be said.

But then, when time comes that the lover and the beloved will be comfortable enough, courageous enough, to say those three words, then the act of saying it becomes more significant, more striking, and definitely more binding than any set of words or expressions that could signify intimacy and commitment.

A reflection based on the twelfth episode of the second season of "How I Met Your Mother" and Ludwig Wittgenstein's discussion of the nature of words in the Philosophical Investigations.

What?! Your Teacher Is An A.B. Graduate?!?!

... and other thoughts about the AB graduate as a teacher.

Just this night I was able to read Fr. Horacio de la Costa's article and message to the A.B. graduates of Ateneo's batch 1933 (by the way, you can read the full text here). While reading this, it made me ponder on my status as a teacher who graduated with loads of Humanities subjects that do not promise any specialization which could land one a high-income position at corporations.

After graduating, I tried to find a place where I can work, and, believe it or not, despite being an anti-corporate advocate of social justice, I considered working for corporate firms as an option. After going through interviews and stuff, I kind of realized that I really don't belong in that world where too much business and moneymaking is placed at the forefront. Besides not being able to know anything, I see myself as someone who is not willing to sacrifice values and principles just for the sake of earning profit and earning money to live.

Eventually, I found a job in the form of a high school teacher, teaching Christian Life Education, which is something that a Pre-Divinity major is expected to execute quite well. But then, as soon as I entered the life of a teacher and hence the classroom, I found out that there were still a lot of things that I needed to learn. For one, I didn't know anything about the "mumbo-jumbo" (as I initially called it) related to teaching high school kids, such as classroom management, dynamics, and that "Understanding by Design" that requires strict systematization in designing the learning experience for students. In that aspect, I felt that I was way way behind all the other teachers who not only spent four years of preparing for the teaching service, but also majored in the particular subject that they are teaching. In other words, they came prepared. Very prepared.

That is why I was led to even think. Am I really in the job that I want? My inquiry got deeper when I was able to see how my other friends outside the circle of the Humanities graduates are doing fine as well in their fields. Did I even take the right course in the first place?

And I believe that after looking at the way I was prepared by the Ateneo as an A.B. graduate to face this world and live life, I think that graduating with a degree in Bachelor of Arts might not only be the best thing to happen, but also the best way of preparing to enter any kind of job and, ultimately, living life.

Sure, it is true that we did not have anything that will prepare us for a spot in the world of jobs, either in the corporate world or in the field of education that I and a few of my fellow A.B. graduates are right now. We did not have any technical terms, concepts, and subjects that teach us in specifically dealing with the jobs that we are in right now. It is true that we did not have anything that we corresponds to those subjects like marketing, or accounting, or Understanding by Design, or those "technical" or "work-related" subjects that we are going to use in the future.

But then, we have the vast world of philosophy, literature, ethics, and critical theory, that we have loved and developed a passion for. Our A.B. courses taught us wisdom not in the level of computations, table interpretations, and scientific experiments, but a kind of wisdom that allows us to define our values and principles that become our guides and foundations. More importantly, we have been taught the discipline of reading through the texts, spending hours and hours making notes out of them, rereading and highlighting them, and coming up with our own interpretations, understandings, and reflections about them. We have been taught the discipline of sticking to what we believe in and fighting for it through different projects and drives which show us that fighting for these values and principles are ultimately worth it. We might not be promised with a big executive position in companies and a major position in academic institutions, but we are promised with a way of finding ourselves in our world, not being swayed by outside forces that tend to destroy us from within and without.

We might not know the way to market a particular product, or treat a particular disease, or compute for our losses and gains when entering into a business. But through the way we read Kant and Heidegger, explored the various ways of interpreting different poems and novels, seeing them through the eyes of Fraud, Saussiere, Baudrillard, and other critical theorists, we for a certain discipline, a certain way of life that allows us to see what should be pursued in life, what good should be done, and what purpose should we serve. In the end, I agree with what Fr. de la Costa said, that we are not trained towards life-work, but towards life itself. And isn't that a noble thing to study for, to pursue, more nobler than just getting a job and earning a lot of money?

That is why as a teacher, I never regretted being an A.B. graduate in a school that gives emphasis on the Humanities, Philosophy, and Literature, and I find it perhaps more helpful than just having an Education degree from somewhere. Through the training that I received as an A.B. graduate, I was able to teach my students in what I believe would inspire them to find who they are and what they want in this life. I may have failed in terms of technicalities and conceptual applications that those who are specialized in the field are very familiar with, but I can say that in so far as letting my students determine and realize the values that they need to live in life, I have, in one way or another, be able to do it. I may not have used or applied all those things I have learned in my Classroom Dynamics class, but I believe I've had enough time to discuss what my subject means and how it allows them to live a happier and more fulfilled life.

And I believe that in the end, in a world where people need to realize that life is more than just finding a job, it is but fitting to have an A.B. graduates who are prepared to stand up for what really matters. It is fitting for us to enter the world as people who will enlighten others and help them realize the beauty and the wonder of life. It is just fitting for us to prepare others to live life the way we are raised to be as an A.B. graduate.

And doing this, I can say that I am a proud A.B. graduate.

Postscript: Read the last three paragraphs. I believe that they are the best and most striking lines said by Fr. de la Costa.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

The star of the Naked Gun will be missed.